I Won't Scream In My Head
by iknowthatbest
Summary: Sara is a reasonable person. Except when it comes to Tegan... -Unrequited Quincest-
1. Chapter 1

Note: This is not really a proper story, it's more of a 'look into the life' thing. Sara POV.

_Takes place in mid-2010_

I liked to think of myself as a reasonable person. I preferred things to be in order. Everything I did was well thought out and was a result of a meticulous process in my mind. For all intents and purposes my life made perfect sense. There was however one thing or rather one person who just didn't want to fit in. This person was currently rocking back and forth on the couch across from me, somehow looking like she just rolled out of bed despite it being 7 o' clock in the evening. Her short hair was disheveled and sticking out in every direction under the headphones she was wearing. Her eyes were closed and she was mouthing along the lyrics to whatever she was listening to with her hands drumming the beat on her knees and thighs. It really shouldn't be as cute it was.

No, I thought to myself, Tegan really didn't make any sense. Or rather my own feelings for her didn't make any sense. Not just because she was my sister, but also because Tegan's whole being in itself was just so not reasonable. Nothing she ever did seemed in any way well thought out or even slightly planned in advance. Tegan just acted on instinct, guided by her emotions. So the overwhelming love and affection I felt for Tegan and the usual chaos she brought with her were rather confusing for me.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the loud ringtone of Tegan's phone that was lying on the table next to the owner, currently so enthralled in the music that she didn't seem to notice anything around her. I tried to get her attention by waving my arms and pointing at the phone. Tegan finally looked up and put her headphones down, giving me a goofy smile as she took notice of her blinking phone. She looked at the screen, her smile growing even bigger and answered the call with a raspy "Hey, babe" as she promptly exited the room.

While I watched her leave I couldn't help but feel slightly sick inside. A feeling I have grown familiar with in the last few years. At first I was actually kind of thankful for Lindsey when Tegan had told me all about her and their whole situation. I had thought Lindsey was just a straight girl, seemingly unreachable for Tegan, someone she would always pine after but never be able to actually get. And as a result every relationship of Tegan's would be incomplete, just a shadow of the real thing and ultimately doomed to fail. Just like every relationship of mine was, because no partner, no matter how perfect, could be as perfect for me as Tegan was. And if that was all I was going to get, a shared life of misery and unrequired love with Tegan, well, I was gonna take it. But of course I couldn't even get that poor excuse of a consolation prize. In the end Tegan got her girl and I was left behind, a life of unhappiness awaiting for me alone.

I went back to my laptop where I caught up on the current news and tried to distract myself from my dark thoughts. About half an hour later Tegan stormed back in the room, her appearance now seemingly a bit more sorted out and plopped down on a chair next to me. She was even more high-strung than usual, practically boiling over with excitement. "So... Lindsey is coming tomorrow already, some photo shoot got postponed!" She had the biggest grin on her face. I managed to fake a bit of enthusiasm and get out an "Oh, that's great."

I liked Lindsey, I really did. She was really nice and by all means a very pleasant person to be around. In some ways she was similar to Tegan but a lot more calm and mature. Our mother once told me that Lindsey was the perfect counterpart to Tegan. That she balanced her out and brought her back down if needed. And while I had nodded in agreement then, I couldn't help but think that I would provide a better balance, that I was truly Tegan's perfect counterpart. Because even though we both were so different, our differences complemented each other in a way no one else's could. Where she was wild, I was composed. Where she was out-going, I was reserved. Where she was reckless, I was sensible. We were like light and dark, opposites but in the end we couldn't exist without each other.

While I've gotten used to Lindsey's company and spending time with her and Tegan together, I still felt kind of awkward around them. They were not even overly affectionate in my presence, but I still felt a little ping of jealousy every time they showed subtle signs of intimacy. When Tegan put her arm around her and Lindsey rested her head on Tegan's shoulder, I would imagine myself in her place and how safe and comfortable I would feel. When Lindsey lovingly tousled Tegan's full hair with her hand, I would imagine my own hand doing the same and how soft it would feel between my fingers.

By now Tegan had retreated to the couch again, now deeply engrossed in a book. I loved that despite her extroverted personality she still enjoyed the comfort of a good book. It was one of our few similarities and sometimes I dreamt about curling up with her and reading together.

I decided that I had to get out for a bit and planned to go for a coffee run. I quickly informed Tegan and asked her if she wanted something as well, but she just hummed and shook her head, keeping her eyes on the book and her brow furrowed in concentration. I couldn't help but smile at her cuteness and swiftly left the house to allow myself a short break from her influence.

After I had my coffee I went for a short walk trying to free my mind and mentally prepare myself for the next few days where we were going to be joined by Lindsey. When I came back to the apartment, I saw that Tegan had fallen asleep. The book lying open on her chest, her mouth slightly open and her body stretched out on the couch. I debated with myself if I should wake her and decided in light of the eventful day ahead it would probably be best for her to get a restful night of sleep in her own bed. But before I did, I allowed myself a few more minutes to admire her face, for once being able to do so without any excuse. I lifted my hand and carefully ran it through her hair reveling in the feeling. I knew that objectively my hair probably felt exactly the same, but still it was so different and special to touch her this intimately and affectionately just like a lover would do. I was brought back to reality by a small groan and movement in front of me and quickly retracted my hand from Tegan's hair instead placing it on her shoulder and shaking her gingerly.

"Hey, Tee. Wake up."

She slowly opened her eyes. Looking confused and not totally realizing what was going on, her mouth slowly formed into a tired smile.

"Hey, Sasa. I think I fell asleep", she mumbled with the most adorable expression. I looked at her and chuckled.

"Yeah, you did. Come on, let's get you into bed, so you can sleep properly and look your best when Lindsey is coming tomorrow, okay?" She nodded eagerly and stood up.

"Of course. Lindsey deserves only the best." I watched as she slowly made her way to her bedroom and just before she reached the door she turned around and said to me with a smile "Thanks for looking out for me. Love you, Sasa." Then she went inside and I walked across the hallway to the guestroom to get ready for bed and probably a whole lot of dreams about Tegan.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning I woke up to the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen area. I got up, put on an old hoodie to fight the slight cold and made my way towards the source of the noise. When I reached the kitchen I was greeted by a wide awake Tegan still dressed in her sleep clothes, a black sleeveless shirt and plaid pyjama pants, smiling and looking proudly at the made up table with all sorts of breakfast food. I couldn't help the smile creeping on my face. "What's this about?" I questioned while gesturing at the table.

"I thought I'd do something nice for my little sister. You know, I'm kind of amazing like that." She laughed and walked over to me. "Now come on, it's time to test my extremely advanced cooking skills!" With that she gave me a soft push towards the table and pulled the chair out for me. My heart skipped a beat at the thoughtful action and I sat down to take a better look at the contents on the table. A small laugh escaped me, because while I was sure Tegan did absolutely her best, the food she had prepared was far from challenging. But the gesture was nonetheless adorable, so I gave her an appreciative smile and dug in. The rest of breakfast went by rather uneventful, some comfortable small talk was exchanged and to my slight dismay Tegan informed me that she would pick up Lindsey in the afternoon. After we were both finished with eating we shared the task of cleaning up the mess Tegan had left behind when preparing the food in her typically enthusiastic but unfortunately not very careful manner.

"So what do you plan on doing now?" She asked me from across the room where she put the last remains of our breakfast into the garbage. I checked the time on my phone. "Oh I'm meeting up with Shannon in like an hour, you know catching up and such, now that I happen to be back in the wonderful city of Vancouver." Tegan gave a small scoff at the sarcasm in my statement. "Ok. Well, I think I'm gonna go for a small run. You'll probably already be gone when I come back, so… try to have some fun, yeah?"

She tried to hide it, but I could see the concern behind her words. I knew that I haven't been the most sociable person the past few months. I pretended to blame it on my last failed relationship, if I can call it that. It was one of the reasons why Tegan had invited me to stay with her in Vancouver for a bit. She called it sisterly bonding time, but it was obvious she wanted to keep an eye on me and make sure that I was ok. And honestly I didn't mind it that much as it meant being near her and having her attention.

I gave her a nod and a little smile when I noticed her expectant expression. She grinned happily "Great, I'm gonna go change real quick and then I'm gone!" With that she left me alone.

Tegan had talked about being a lot more physically active the last few months. She had taken up jogging every morning and apparently also some weird workout program that seemed pretty much like torture to me. But I could see the effect that it had on her already. She had calmed down a little bit, seemed more relaxed in her general outlook and demeanor. And I could definitely see the effect that it had on her physique. Tegan had always been the stronger one of the two of us, but now she was really fit and there were muscles and definition clearly visible. I remembered when she had picked me up at the airport and taken my bags from me. I had immediately noticed the new muscles in her arms, the way her biceps was bulging when she was carrying my heavy luggage with ease. My knees had grown weak at the sight then and now I still sometimes thought about it and imagined the feeling of being wrapped up in her strong arms.

After Tegan had left I went into the bathroom to get ready and when I got out, Tegan was already out for her run. So I headed out to meet my old high school friend Shannon, who I hadn't seen in while. It was a welcome break from my usual day activities and I surprisingly really had a fun and relaxing time. It was always nice to catch up with old friends and especially to realize that we still got along just as well as we did ten years ago. At the end we made plans to all meet up again in a few days and go out together and then said our goodbyes.

Feeling refreshed I returned, excided to tell Tegan about the plans I had made. The apartment was quiet and I began to search for Tegan. After checking her bedroom I made your way to the farthest room that Tegan called her "activity room", basically just a room filled with random stuff.

I opened the door and was met with the sight of Tegan doing push-ups on the floor. She was in her workout clothes, consisting of red, mid-length shorts and a grey, sleeveless shirt. Her body was drenched in sweat, her short hair dripping wet, dark strands of it sticking to her face. I couldn't take my eyes off her as her trembling arms pushed her body off the floor again and again, the tattoo covered skin glistening with sweat. She was still oblivious to my presence, fully consumed with the exercise and the music that was blearing through her headphones. I tried to ignore the growling and grunting noises that were coming from Tegan and gave myself some time to slow down my heartbeat and get myself under control again. One last deep breath and I was ready. I marched coolly over to her and kicked her softly in the side. Surprised by my appearance she lost her balance, collapsed onto the ground and rolled on her back.

"Asshole!" she laughed and looked up at me, breathing heavily and taking off her headphones. She saw me sneaking another look her arms and grinned, "Pretty impressive, right?"

Playing it off, I just gave an unfazed scoff, "You're such a show-off."

"Oh, come on. I've worked hard for these. You wanna feel?" She was now standing up and got right in front of me, flexing her biceps. I looked at her smirking face, chuckled and decided to play along for a bit.

"Ok, show me what you got!" I challenged motioning to her arm.

I could see a slightly surprised expression taking over her face for a blink second before the teasing grin was back again.

"But be careful, I don't want you to get hurt at the gun show".

I shook my head, giggling at her silliness and reached out to touch her flexed arm. As my hand came in contact with her skin I desperately tried to keep an aloof expression on my face while carefully tracing the outline of the bulging muscles on her arm. Snapping out of it I gave her biceps a hard squeeze, stepped back a bit and grinned "Meh, I've seen better."

She jokingly gasped at my words, "Oh, you wish!" and stroked her arms lovingly as if to console their feelings after my dismissal.

"Alright, you little narcissist. Now go hop into the shower, you kind of reek. And I'm telling the truth about that."

She gave her armpits a sniff at my words and, apparently coming to the same conclusion, started to make her way out of the room. As she reached the door she turned around to me and grinned.

"So you were lying before then, huh? I knew my guns were irresistible!"

With that she left, her laugh echoing through the hallway.


End file.
